Location: Greensboro, NC, United States

Monday, November 17, 2008

The Dangers of Meteorology

I have posted the following on here a couple of times before, but here it is again, if you haven't read it.

We have come once again to that time of year when all wise weathermen hide in their TV stations and decline to show their faces in public until the first breath of Spring. It is their part in a local annual tradition known as Meteorologist Bashing. Here in Guilford County, North Carolina, it is the primary way in which we release our frustration over not living in a place that has more snow. It works like this. At some point when the weather begins to get colder, local meteorologists uniformly announce the possibility of something resembling what people in more northern parts of the country call "snow". Subsequent to this announcement, when it does not snow, the general populace, both in public and in private, begin pronouncing curses upon the heads of these metorologists, in disappointment over the reality that they are not, in fact, either deities or fortune tellers, and therefore unable to perfectly predict the weather. Ritual stonings to appease the snow gods, no doubt, would be a regular part of this celebration, were the locals able to lay their hands upon the meteorologists. I am pretty certain, however, that the meteorologists actually move to Florida for the winter, from which they broadcast until about March, when they move back to Guilford County until the following November, when the whole cycle begins again. It’s an unusual sort of tradition, but there it is.

Insofar as the meteorologists dared to utter the word “flurries” tonight with regard to tomorrow’s forecast, and in honor of this tradition, I felt this would be a good time to post the following fake newspaper report, which I wrote a couple of years ago.



GREENSBORO, NC (AR NEWSWIRE) Skip Schlopfenheimer, weatherman for local news affiliate WUSS, nearly died after being beaten hundreds of times with a fishing pole, police reported Sunday evening. The suspect, Joe Bob Wilson of Randleman, allegedly attacked Schlopfenheimer in the parking lot of WUSS Sunday afternoon. Wilson, who was caught in the act, has pled “no contest” to the charge.

“I was just crossing the parking lot, when he pulled in front of me in his pickup. He pulled his fishing rod off of the gun rack, jumped out of the truck, and started cursing at me and flogging me,” said Schlopfenheimer.

“Damn weatherman had it coming,” said Wilson. “I speak for all the people ‘round here. We’re sick of these people making promises. Skippy’s a pansy anyhows. He needed a good whipping.”

“I only mentioned “snow” once,” said Schlopfenheimer. “It was a slip. I swear it was.”

Police report that Schlopfenheimer would be dead, if his co-worker Sandy Hoffman hadn’t pulled into the parking lot a few minutes later. “Sandy’s a strong woman. She held Wilson down on the icy asphalt until we could get there.”

“All I heard when I got out of my SUV was, ‘Snow, huh, WUSS boy? Does this feel like snow to you?’”, reported Hoffman. “I knew immediately what was happening. I’ve been expecting something like this to happen for years now. Other weathermen have been smart enough to move away, to Phoenix or Chicago or something. Somewhere where the weather’s more predictable. Not Skip, though.”

Police say they have impounded Wilson’s truck, which had a snow shovel and a brand new sled in the back. The receipt was found in the glove box. “We think we know now why he was so upset,” said police.

“I would have spent that money on ice melt if I knew we were going to get this crap,” said Wilson.

After recovering, Schlopfenheimer is planning on taking a vacation, he says. “I’ll probably go to Hawaii. Volcanos are much safer than a Piedmont native’s temper.”


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